Friday, November 10, 2006

My Election Night with Satan (part 2)

Two days. Two days! Two days we sat in that bar watching election news. Washing up in the bathroom sink. Satan wouldn't let me leave until things were settled. Somehow he got FOX News Network to cover it around the clock. "How did you manage that?" I asked.
"I told Murdoch I would change his circle, when the time comes. He was rating the bottom circle and he was anxious to get off there, because he said having to listen to Ken Starr for all eternity would have been too cruel, even for Hell."
"He has a point." I responded.
"Yeah?' The Devil grinned. "Wait until he finds out he'll spend all eternity push-polling with Karl Rove in Hell’s basement; trying to convince souls in heaven that Mother Theresa was actually a Gay Nazi named Hans." We both laughed and then a thought struck me.
“Did you ever go down to Georgia and get into a fiddlin’ contest because you were short on souls, or what?”
"Nah, that was just a song. I go down South all the time, but in this world I am never short for souls. I’m short on peaches and citrus fruit, sometimes, but never souls. And I don't play the violin. I play a mean guitar though; I have a Les Paul. I used to jam with Led Zeppelin, until they realized I wasn't just an acid hallucination, then they didn’t want to ‘hang with the devil anymore’ . I was so angry I created Disco!"
"Oh man, I like some Disco, but it's hard once I know it comes from Hell. I mean, now that I'm sure that's where it came from." I said.
"Ah, just kidding." Satan said.
"You mean you didn't create it?" I asked relieved.
"Oh, I created it, I just wasn't mad at Led Zeppelin when I did it." He laughed.
"Hey, look at the screen.” I pointed. “The Senate is finally a done deal! A Democratic sweep!" I smiled. Satan looked at me, and when he opened his mouth, his breath came out in a thick white cloud.
"Getting colder, huh?" I said.
"Just thinking about going back down 'home'. I'll be scraping ice off the furniture, for sure. But it doesn't happen too often, and all the women’s shirts look better when it’s cold down there anyway, so it isn't a total loss." He grinned.
"You're a pervert! Why doesn't that surprise me?" I asked.
"Just kidding. I actually heard Bill O'Reilly saying that in a men's room just before he got the news he was being sued for sexual harassment!" He laughed.
"Hey, look at the screen. McCain is going to be examining a run for the Presidency." I said.
"What do you think of him?" The Devil inquired.
"Not thrilled anymore. He used to have ideals and values, but he got pushed around by Bush and Rove and instead of attacking that brand of politics, he ended up siding with Bush to curry favor with far right conservatives. When Bush first plummeted in the polls, McCain said he was sticking by the President; that anyone could be loyal when the President was popular, but he would do it through thick and thin. The only thing is, from Bush's stance on torture, imprisoning without due process, and all, they clearly don't agree. McCain used to be a man of principle. But he has decided, it seems, that he would rather be a shoe-in for the Republican nod, then a fighter for the good fight that might not get the bid."
"What you call giving in might just be what he considers compromise." Satan posited.
"Don't play Devil's advocate with me!" I demanded, then, thinking about his defending McCain, I sputtered "Hey, don't tell me...."
"Yes." Satan responded, "He's hired me to help with his 2008 campaign. He figured he couldn't abide having to hire Rove, but he had to admit his practices were effective, so he decided to go to his mentor...."
"The Devil, you say." I said. "He might want to rethink those tactice in light of this election. And you know, it seems to me the only place we are going to see a Republican dominated Congress and Senate again anytime in the future is going to be down ‘south’ in your neck of the woods." I observed.
"Well, in all fairness, there are plenty of Dems knock-knock-knocking on Hell's door as well. But in general they don’t get into such big trouble with the ‘king of heaven’ because they don’t act like they know for a fact that God is on their side, much less then wage war falsely, torture, unlawfully imprison, that sort of thing. Besides politics, you should know, by the way, the lord also hates it when you claim he’s on your side for professional sports events or business deals. He really doesn’t care, and what do you think, the losers aren’t his children also?
Satan shook his head in disgust as he handed me another cigar.
"These are really good." I said.
"Cuban." He said.
"Of course." I said.
"Fidel thinks by supplying me I give him a few more years. He doesn't realize that I'm not allowed to rush these things. See, stupidity, like evil, knows no geopolitical boundaries." He smiled as we lit up. "In fact, I was talking to God about that just the other night."
"You talk to God?" I asked.
"Sure. We used to play poker every Thursday night."
"Used to?" I asked.
"It got boring. He's omniscient...he always folded before he lost, and if he stayed in...he won. He's not a good bluffer. He's too honest. And I can't bluff him because---"
"He's omniscient. Yeah, I see." I finished for him.
"All that, and oh, he cheats...." He said with a very straight face and sober expression, so I was sure he was kidding. Then he said, "I gotta get going in a few more minutes, " He said, "I have to make a little girl in San Diego puke up pea soup."
"Oh!" I gagged.
"Just kidding. You know, we don't really do that stuff." Satan laughed.
"What do you do these days?" I asked.
"Besides program director at FOX News? Well, you know how writers say people always ask them where they get their ideas?" He asked.
"Yes." I said.
"Sometime, when she is drunk, which is actually quite often, ask Ann Coulter where she gets her ideas!" He laughed and as I was about to inquire about whether that was a joke he continued, "But she was pissing me off lately, with her hubris, I hate hubris, so I gave her the idea to attack the 9/11 widows in her latest book. I did that and now I am going to have her investigated for lying on her drivers license about her age. Don't piss off the Devil!" He laughed.
"I try not to." I said.
"Yeah," he continued, "I really enjoy our conversations. You should know your blog is very popular in Hell. Being in the alternate reality of the hereafter, it won’t register on any ‘hit counters’. But you should know.”
"You have the internet?" I asked.
"Sure. Well, just dial-up. It is Hell, after all."
"I don't know if I should be flattered or horrified." I said.
"Both, I imagine." Satan said.
"If you have the internet, I bet porn is popular in Hell. A real distraction, you know."
"No access. We only allow them an AOL browser with full parental controls. It’s Hell, after all. We only get your blog because I assigned special access."
"Parental controls block my blog?" I asked.
"Sure. You curse. And the worst---what they really hate down there is when people say 'DAMN'."
"I see." I said.
"But they really love the pieces you do on me, and our conversations. They love them…or else!" He started laughing very heartily now. "If your book gets published I can promise you it will be a best seller in long as you mention me."
"Thank you. I am sure you might come up once or twice. I begin the book with the first time I met you in this bar, and overheard your cellphone conversation." I said.
"You should also know that being a bestseller in Hell won't help you much. We pirate copies down there...with real pirates!" He said.
"So my blog is popular and my book will be a bestseller, but no one on Earth will know and it won't help me in any way at all? That sucks." I observed.
"Sure, it's Hell." He grinned.
I thought about that, and about not having changed my clothes or showering in two days and said: "I want to go home, it has been two days for crying out loud."
"That was your election process, not mine. " Satan responded. "There are still a few unsettled races in Florida though, due to voting irregularities” He observed.
"If we have to wait until there are no voting irregularities in Florida, we’ll be here for all eternity. I think we should get up an initiative to get Florida dropped from the electoral college. That way they can only screw up local elections. Although, maybe if they impeach Bush and his brother before he gets out of office, we can bring back credibility to the country and the vote. And maybe, somehow, find a way to get Bill Clinton back into the Whitehouse. We could really work on heathcare reform then. And finally, let me just say this…I want to go home! Do you have any idea how long it has been since I had sex?" I asked.
"It has only been two days since we’ve been here, what does that have to do with the last time you had sex?" Satan asked.
"Nothing. It's just been a while, it's hard enough just to find some time, and I just figured maybe you could do something about it.”
"Maybe I could...but of course, I won't. I'm the Devil, after all."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm going home and taking a shower."
"Be careful. Don't slip in the tub. With all the time you spend with the devil, you might be guilty by association." He laughed.
"Oh, I don't believe it works like that." I said.
"You're right." Satan smiled, "that's not what will send you to Hell."
"Hey, what do you mean by that?" I asked.
"Gotta go." He said, "until next time."
"When will be the next time?" I asked, but he was already gone....


Bruce said...

Finally, a notion I can fully agree with. Disco is hell on earth!

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