Vice President Dick Cheney announced that it was a good sign that England was withdrawing a good amount of its troops, saying, "it shows that things are getting better in some parts of Iraq". This, as our Administration attempts to send over 20,000 more American troops into Iraq. Now, I am sure some parts of Iraq are more stable; in fact, I heard that there is a deli in Baghdad that has not had any patrons pulled outside by roving militias and executed in almost a week!! Nevertheless, as far as I can tell, we have these things called 'Humvees' to transport troops, so if the reason England is pulling their troops is stability in some (imaginary) part of Iraq, and we need to send over 20,000 troops because of instability elsewhere, maybe they could MOVE their troops?? They could...if that were the reason they are withdrawing. It is because Tony Blair hitched his star to George W. and now that his star is quickly fading, he is trying to salvage something of his reputation by acknowledging things are NOT working as planned, and leaving his soldiers there, is leaving them to possibly die with litttle chance to succeed. Now, I don't know Dick Cheney personally, but I hear tell he is a pretty intelligent guy, so I smelled something Prime Evil here. Though I had never called him; he always got in contact with me, I decided to try to call Satan himself and see what the deal was. I pulled out my cellphone and went to the received calls log, and when I pulled up 'HELL' I pressed SEND and it seemed to be placing the call. Moments later I heard Satan's voice on the other end. "Hell's Kitchen, can I take your order?"
"Oh, what?" I asked confused.
"Just messing with your head. I hate to tell you what placing this call is going to do to your cell phone bill, but I think this counts for like 20 or 30 text messages!" He said.
"Damn!" I exclaimed.
"Sure." He responded.
"Listen, what's the deal with Cheney? He says the British troop pull out is an indication that everything is on plan in Iraq. He's either smoking some really bad shit, or I smell a little sulfur and brimstone, no?"
"Listen, you can't pin this on me!" Satan howled. "Cheney's crying to me about how everything in Iraq is, if you will pardon the expression, going to Hell, and I admit, I was a little drunk, and well, I make a little joke about telling everyone this troop pull out is a good thing. And he takes me seriously! The next thing I know he's announcing it to the media! I should know better than to joke with him. The last time I saw him, we were out hunting and I yelled: "That lawyer's about to charge ---SHOOT! And, well, you know, it was really, after all, not a very good shot, anyway, not fatal or anything." He muttered. "I just meant he was about to charge----him $275 an hour!" He laughed.
"I see." I said, not really understanding, or necessarily believing everything I was hearing. Then I mentioned that White House spokesman Tony Fratto warned that a pullout of U.S. troops could bring chaos to Iraq. Laughing I said, "Chaos might be an improvement, although in actuality I believe chaos is just the appropriate word for what we have there right now.
Satan said: "That one you have to pin on Cheney and Bush. I had nothing, NOTHING, to do with that. Even drunk I couldn't get those words out, I'd be laughing too hard!" Then he thought a moment, "Perhaps civil war, or uncivil war, might be good."
"They all seem accurate." I pondered. Then Satan changed the subject.
"Listen, a Dunkin Donuts in Duluth has a bran muffin that looks like Mary and I have to go make it talk backwards and spit pea soup." He said.
Nauseated, I asked, "Really?"
"Nah, that would be kind of funny, not the effect I'm looking for. I might make it start bleeding though...from where, I haven't decided yet."
"Okay." I said, trying to put the thought of bran muffins shaped like biblical women that would start bleeding from---the Devil knows where---out of my head.
"So, where was Part 2 of the Healthcare reform discussion we had? I didn't see it on your blog yet." He mentioned.
"I'm still sorting it all out. I'm trying to get it up soon." I promised.
"See that you do. If I had to sit through all of that...the rest of your loyal readers should have to also. You do still have a loyal reader...right?" He laughed.
"Hey. I have more than one...I think."
"Fine, I'll speak to you after you post that piece then, okay?!" He said.
"Okay." I said.