Monday, November 11, 2013

Satan asks, "What's in a name?" About 20 cents a use, apparently.

In a show of the modern over classic, Voldemort, Harry potter baddie, had the forethought to trademark "Dark lord" and now Satan has to pay a small fee each time someone refers to him in that capacity. "There were no trademark or copyright offices when I started using that title!" Satan exclaimed with his lawyer, Johnny Cochran, at his side. Johnny explained that Satan would be invoking Habeus Corpus. When asked how that applied in this instance, Johnny used his flair for turning a phrase, if Satan doesn't prevail, I'd say "Hey bus--get me out of here before Satan makes everyone into Corpuses." The thinly veiled threat was not taken lightly, and an action of contempt of court has been threatened. However, that is by acting temporary Judge, Judge Judy, while a new official magistrate is appointed. The first appointed Judge, Antonin Scalia, was protested by Voldemort's legal team as being in the pocket of Satan. The second Judge, Clarence Thomas, was also cited as owing his career to Satan, but strangely, Voldemort's team declined to protest. However, Satan's team refused to accept this appointment on the grounds that "Justice Thomas is incapable of rendering a credible and coherent opinion, and during opening statements, seemed confused as to which was the defendant and who was the plaintiff. Heaven has intervened and has offered up a bevy of honorable, long deceased Judges and a final decision is expected soon. Stay tuned. Also, Satan would like kids age 6-16 to know that, should his court battle fail, he'll be looking for a new moniker and will be running a contest soon. Watch your sugary cereal box for details!

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