Friday, August 17, 2007

Note to Bush Administration: Just because Satan does it, doesn't mean you have to!


I was busily working on my HealthCare Reform Part 2b when my cellphone rang, and as is often the case, the caller picked a hell-of-a time to call.
"Hello." I said.
"You don't sound so happy for getting a call from your biggest---and really, ONLY--- fan." Satan said.
"I'm busy, that's all. What's going on?"
"I noticed in one of your drafts for a future blog entry you mentioned that Satan could learn a thing or two from President Bush, what with his trampling of American citizens rights and all."
"I was being facetious." I responded. Then, "Hey! Don't look through my drafts!"
"I look at more than your drafts, I've gone all through your computer and I have to say I am shocked, horrified and impressed all at the same time. As for being facetious---so you say, but I want you to know if anyone learned it from anyone, he learned it from me!~ Meet me at our favorite establishment in an hour and we can talk more about it. Maybe I can even give you some ideas." He was already clicking off as I agreed.
One hour later at a bar in NYC.
I didn't see Satan out front but when I looked in I saw him at the bar. I walked in and sat down at the available stool right beside him.
"I can always get a seat here, no matter how busy it is." I remarked.
"Some people don't want to sit too close to the devil. Maybe they fear guilt by association." He mused. "But you have never hesitated, not since that first day you found yourself sitting beside me and you eavesdropped on my phone call."
"I'm not sure sitting next to you is the issue." I said, "But as for eavesdropping---you were talking very loudly. I think you wanted me to hear. After all, it went down like a healthcare joke, remember? You were sitting there and you were repeating what you were hearing, and apparently there was a train full of managed care and health insurance executives, politicians, lawyers and doctors all on their way to Washington D.C. for a congressional hearing on healthcare reform when there was a terrible accident. Many were killed, and their souls were on their way “down” to you for processing. Suddenly, you dropped the phone on the bar, threw your hands up in disgust, and cried out: “What did I do to deserve this?!!! Remember?”
"Yes, I remember." He smiled. "A fortuitous coincidence." He smiled again, in a way that made me sure he was lying. Then he pulled out a digital recorder and laid it on the bar. "A glass of 'Blue' for my friend here, " he began, "and another for me as well."
"You have good taste, I always have to say." Which I did. Then he pulled out two fine Fuente Dominican cigars with the ends already neatly clipped.
"Thank you," I said as I took one, but added, "you know, even though you keep ignoring it, I pretty much gave these up. I only smoke with you now."
'What do you want to do, live forever?" He said with mock indignation.
"Well, I'd like to hang around a while, and besides, I'd like to be sure where I am headed first."
"Oh. I think we both know where YOU are headed. Besides, afraid of Hell?" He asked.
"Isn't that the point?" I asked.
"But it's a dry heat." He remarked.
"Yeah, yeah. I know. I am also scared of the company. When I look who is likely headed down there, I am afraid every day would be like the 2004 Republican Convention."
"We get all kinds down there, you know." He responded.
"I understand." I said as flame flared from his fingertips and lit both of our stogies. "What's with the recorder?" I asked. "You want to quote me accurately in your own blog?" I laughed.
"No. I want to play you a recording I made in the White House back a ways." He said.
"OK. But if it's Monica talking about dress stains, I don't need to hear it. I'm thinking of ordering food at some point!"
"No. Not Monica."
"Something historical? Thomas Jefferson cavorting, perhaps?" I asked.
"No. But by the way, the digital recorders back in Jefferson's time were the size of a house and needed a thousand rats running on treadmills to power them."
"Sure." I said sarcastically.
"Or maybe I'm just having a flashback to the Flintstones. Anyway, listen...." He said as he pushed a button on the recorder. A little screen popped up and I was watching as well as hearing George W. speaking with Dick Cheney. On the bottom right corner it flashed 2005.
"Dick, I am a little concerned here, sticking up for Halliburton when they continue to do business in Iran, and when all the news is on about how they were in Iran and Iraq back when you were running them. I wasn't supposed to have to do this. You said no one would notice."
"Mr. President, George, please, we've been over this before. I said it was none of their damn business, but you have nothing to worry about, after all, let me remind you that you have already actually won the election this time! Now, as I have said, that is a subsidiary of Halliburton doing the business, and in my opinion, and that of many Halliburton executives, it is a quite legal thing to be doing. But more important, let me remind you how Halliburton continuing to work in Iran is good for all Americans."
"Please Dick, please do that, I am faltering from my moral high ground and I need your stout hearted, albeit with stents and medication, faith and support."
"Look, it's great to hate Iran. Really. Hey, I hate it, and all its people too. But--BUT---if we are too hard on Iran, or don't help support its infrastructure, a big supplier of oil will falter, and then we will have less oil for all the blessed people of our great nation to execute their God granted right to drive big gas guzzling automobiles and SUV's. Now, it's okay to say we shouldn't work in, or deal with, Iran, because that sends fear into the markets and raises the price of oil without actually affecting supply. This in turn enriches those great Americans, like ourselves, who had the foresight to invest in Oil and fuel services. BUT, if the supply were to actually be disrupted, then the price increases would primarily go to all those Terrorist--Allah fearing countries with little left for honest Americans except long gas lines. So you can see that Halliburton is really carrying out a public service, protecting our peoples supply of gasoline as well as enriching some of the most deserving and important Americans."
"Dick, I know I can call you Dick because so many people do. I want to thank you for reminding me of how difficult it can sometimes be to protect this great way of life for our friends as well as all non-Muslim Americans and for giving me the strength to continue to fight the good fight, even when being criticized by those Godless liberals and their always dragging the Constitution into everything. As long as we hold onto Congress and the Senate, and I have no doubt that we will because I believe we have begun a Republican empire that will last a 1000 years, before I leave office I am going to propose a constitutional amendment to make it unconstitutional to throw the constitution in the President's face every time he has to 'trample on a few personal liberties and rights' for the greater good of this great nation of ours."
"George. What a courageous and bold idea. Not like anything I have heard before. There has truly never been a President quite like you. I believe that your brilliant handling of the Middle East will ultimately seal our place in history " Cheney uttered in awe and admiration.
"Thank you Dick. Read my lips, and I'm sorry to have to say this daddy, but I think you, Dick Cheney, are the hardest working Vice President this nation has ever known."
At this point Satan clicked off the recorder.
"What'd you think?" He asked. Then he looked in my eyes, "You're unimpressed!" He barked.
"No, I admit it was interesting to have the particulars, but to see that Dick could convince George W. of these things is not really much of a surprise from a President who thinks 'rights' are just some complicated gibberish the police read to you just before they book you for drunk driving."
"You make a good point."
"Also," I began, "I actually agree with Cheney on one point. I believe the way this Administration has handled the Middle East will help to seal their fate in the historical record. However, not in a good way. By the way, what you did here was really bugging, circa Nixon, more than wiretapping circa Bush. But, then, I guess it's all really just covert and illegal surveillance of American Citizens circa a bunch of Republicans." I pointed out.
Satan considered a moment and then said, "Let's watch the Mets Game and then I'll give you some ideas you might be able to use."
"Ok. I love the Mets. They've been doing pretty good the last couple of years." I said as I puffed my cigar, then took a sip of scotch. Satan looked at me and smiled, then said, "They strike a hard bargain."
"No. I know you're kidding this time because if they made a deal with you they wouldn't have blown the playoffs last year!" I cried out.
"Or maybe they just didn't read the fine print." He said as he began laughing.
To Be Continued, (again)....

3 comments:

Bruce said...

Oh no! The Mets are in with Satan...no this can not be...the [sometimes victorious] underdogs made a deal?

I would have thought those Yankees [the best team that money could buy] would be the more likely candidate...

If you meet with Satan again, please consider asking him:

*how does he fuel the fires of hell?

I suspect he may have some unknown self-interest in the energy question. If he's gone green [solar energizing hell?] we're in trouble...did Gore make a deal too?

Larry said...

When you look at the 2000 election, it is quite clear who made a deal. The Supreme Court alone wasn't really enough to thwart the will and votes of the American People! As for energy, I heard there's a lot of complaining down there, and he concentrates it all into some form of Sonoluminescence. If the opportunity arises, I will inquire further. As for the Yankees, the way they are playing lately, after their dismal earlier season, one can only wonder if they, too, asked for help. This could work out to be the 'hottest' subway series ever!

Bruce said...

What would happen if both the Mets and Yankees made deals...?

I'm still stuck with the image of poor tortured souls shoveling coal into hell's furnaces.

But if Satan is using natural gas...or solar...or nuclear...what do the tortured souls do? Certainly, they must be employed there. Perhaps the scenes of hell need some updating? Dante, move over.

Nuclear seems the most amenable to Satanizing [i've never been a nuke fan]. Perhaps the tortured souls can be eternally running from a meltdown ala Three Mile Island in Harrisburg, PA. I still won't drink milk from there.